I have been feeling down lately. And today my car died, again. I had warning this time and chose to ignore it so it's my own fault I got stuck at WalMart. Plus the mechanic chastised me and told me I should have brought it in on Monday, but Monday I didn't have any money. But then I got a child support check for $203, how much do you want to bet the mechanic's bill comes to $204? My life is so like that. When something bad happens, a good thing counteracts it and makes the bad thing manageable. But it prevents me from getting anywhere. Or perhaps I like to think so. Obviously, to me anyway, I have a guardian angel and she is very good at her job. So I just let these things keep me stuck in my oh-so-familiar-but-less-than-comfortable rut.

I find that I resent growing old and am feeling a bit jealous of my teenage children. They are so talented and are doing the things I wish that I had done. And it makes me sad because my life could have been so different, if only I'd had the wherewithal to follow my heart. But instead I took the easy road. And I beat myself up for being upset now for what might have been if only. I know that that way lies only bitterness and I really don't want to wind up that way.

I'm angry with myself because I keep thinking about my ex. We split up over three years ago and I haven't even spoken to him for close to a year. But I still keep having dreams about him. In some he's trying to force himself back into my life and I'm afraid, in others we're back together but I realize I made a mistake and am trying to figure out how to get rid of him again, and just recently I've starting having some dreams where we're back together and I'm happy about it. I simply hate dreaming about him, I want him excised from my brain. But it's not happening and I wonder if it'll always be like this. How long does it take a victim to get over the tormenter?

Which brings me to another problem. I don't want a relationship, I'm terrified of hooking up with another abuser and I have enough to trouble dealing with my kids, I don't need to add a man into the mix. But I really, really miss sex. A lot. And casual sex is just not something I can easily do. Plus, I have a really low opinion of my desirableness and while intellectually I know that it's probably not that hard for a woman to "get some" I question who would even want me. Only some other poor, desperate soul and I can barely stand myself much less someone else.

The thing is, I've always believed myself to be a cheerful, upbeat, optimistic person -- even though I've always felt vaguely dissatisfied with my life. But I've been depressed and unable to find the motivation to do much of anything for so long. So it doesn't jive with my image of myself. So which is real and which is the facade? Am I just a miserable person or am I a happy person who has been treated badly by miserable people and allowed them to suck me into their whirlpool of discontent?

Okay, I'm tired of whining. So I'm going to stop. I may even just delete this entire post tomorrow.

P.S. Yes, I'm taking an antidepressant. And, yes, I know I need counseling. Part of the difficulty is I'm a pretty intelligent person so I know what I need to do, the problem seems to arise in actually making the effort to do it.