http://www.dedex1.blogspot.com
Obsession... Confessions of a serial starter
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Name: Dede

Location: Georgetown, DE

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WIPs

Witness the Obsession
(My Picture Gallery - also a Work in Progress!)

  1. Alpine Seasons Garden
  2. American Sampler
  3. And They Sinned
  4. Angel of Frost
  5. Angel of Healing
  6. Antares
  7. Babysitting
  8. Ballet Pigs
  9. Beauty and the Beast
  10. Beauty and the Beasts
  11. Blue Rose Sampler
  12. Bubble Flower
  13. Calling the Crows
  14. Celestial Dragon
  15. Chloris
  16. A Confabulation of Dragons
  17. Curl Up with a Good Book
  18. Days of Advent Sampler
  19. Desert Rose
  20. Dragon Fae 1
  21. Dragon Skies
  22. The Dreamer
  23. Dutch Beauty
  24. Egyptian Garden
  25. Emblem of Love
  26. Emily Lucille
  27. Fairy Dreams
  28. Fairy Moon
  29. Florabundance
  30. Flower Power
  31. Heaven Above
  32. Hope
  33. Houses of Hawk Run Hollow
  34. Jane Longstreth
  35. Jewel of the Sea
  36. Luna, Sol and Stella
  37. Martyrs
  38. Mistress Winter and Jack Frost
  39. Mouline Rouge
  40. Noah's Sub
  41. Peace
  42. Peacock Garden
  43. The Pheonix
  44. Pheonix 1
  45. Pirate and Mermaid
  46. Polar Lights
  47. Princess Asleep
  48. Rae QS
  49. Red Witch
  50. Rose
  51. A Rose Among Thorns
  52. Rose Fae
  53. Salamander
  54. Sea of Roses
  55. Song of the Dead
  56. Soul Mates
  57. Spanish Geometric Sampler
  58. Storykeeper
  59. Taj Mahal
  60. The Tower at Stony Wood
  61. Tree of Life with Dragon
  62. True Colors
  63. Watergarden
  64. Woodland Faerie







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Recent Posts

Peacock Majesty Happy Dance
Verizon FIOS?
Rose Tinted or "The Big Red Blobs"
Ernesto... A bit more than expected
Princess Asleep
Bored, bored, bored!!
Northern exposure
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Babysitting WIP
Knoebels Pictorial

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Whining ahead... Proceed with caution
I have been feeling down lately. And today my car died, again. I had warning this time and chose to ignore it so it's my own fault I got stuck at WalMart. Plus the mechanic chastised me and told me I should have brought it in on Monday, but Monday I didn't have any money. But then I got a child support check for $203, how much do you want to bet the mechanic's bill comes to $204? My life is so like that. When something bad happens, a good thing counteracts it and makes the bad thing manageable. But it prevents me from getting anywhere. Or perhaps I like to think so. Obviously, to me anyway, I have a guardian angel and she is very good at her job. So I just let these things keep me stuck in my oh-so-familiar-but-less-than-comfortable rut.

I find that I resent growing old and am feeling a bit jealous of my teenage children. They are so talented and are doing the things I wish that I had done. And it makes me sad because my life could have been so different, if only I'd had the wherewithal to follow my heart. But instead I took the easy road. And I beat myself up for being upset now for what might have been if only. I know that that way lies only bitterness and I really don't want to wind up that way.

I'm angry with myself because I keep thinking about my ex. We split up over three years ago and I haven't even spoken to him for close to a year. But I still keep having dreams about him. In some he's trying to force himself back into my life and I'm afraid, in others we're back together but I realize I made a mistake and am trying to figure out how to get rid of him again, and just recently I've starting having some dreams where we're back together and I'm happy about it. I simply hate dreaming about him, I want him excised from my brain. But it's not happening and I wonder if it'll always be like this. How long does it take a victim to get over the tormenter?

Which brings me to another problem. I don't want a relationship, I'm terrified of hooking up with another abuser and I have enough to trouble dealing with my kids, I don't need to add a man into the mix. But I really, really miss sex. A lot. And casual sex is just not something I can easily do. Plus, I have a really low opinion of my desirableness and while intellectually I know that it's probably not that hard for a woman to "get some" I question who would even want me. Only some other poor, desperate soul and I can barely stand myself much less someone else.

The thing is, I've always believed myself to be a cheerful, upbeat, optimistic person -- even though I've always felt vaguely dissatisfied with my life. But I've been depressed and unable to find the motivation to do much of anything for so long. So it doesn't jive with my image of myself. So which is real and which is the facade? Am I just a miserable person or am I a happy person who has been treated badly by miserable people and allowed them to suck me into their whirlpool of discontent?

Okay, I'm tired of whining. So I'm going to stop. I may even just delete this entire post tomorrow.

P.S. Yes, I'm taking an antidepressant. And, yes, I know I need counseling. Part of the difficulty is I'm a pretty intelligent person so I know what I need to do, the problem seems to arise in actually making the effort to do it.

1 Comments:

I think the problem lies more with accepting that that is what needs to happen, it certainly was for me. I hope things look up for you. This period if discontent certainly seems catching!

By Blogger Kip, at 1:31 PM  

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